At Xmas, safety comes second

And it can start right after I finish with these lights, which are what comes FIRST. I put up lights along the roofline yesterday. They're the new, pretty, energy efficient LED kind. I put these up yesterday, Monday before Thanksgiving. It's my earliest yet. It was a dry day, and I thought I'd put a little pressure on the other neighbors to glam it up a little. It worked. Within a few hours, John, two doors down, had posted something snippy about it on facebook. Evil plan working....

Today, Tuesday was a pretty, sunny day, a rarity at this time of year. So I took off early in the afternoon to put up some more lights and up the ante just a bit more on John and HIS ilk. Since I redid the siding the south side, I'm no longer afraid of the ladder, so I can just run up and down it all day long, lights here....lights there...scrape a little paint on that board, take down the old awning, wash this window up here. Washing the window has been on the to-do list for about, oh, 7 years. So, I set up the hose and take aim for WINDOW DIRT. After a minute or so, the funny buzzing noise started...getting louder...LOUDER....ZAP. Funny noise stops, and I realized the GFCI outlet that I have the lights plugged into just popped. It happens, especially with THAT outlet. I've already replaced it myself several times (That was foreshadowing....noted here for those you of who have a hard time with real literature such as this). I yanked out the power cord quickly, in the hope that if it were live, being quick would save me from electrocution. I made a mental note that I'll have to replace that outlet again, and went back to work washing the window.

A few minutes later, the noise started again. buzzzzzz buZZZZZZZZZZZ BUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ WAMMMM! black smoke...coming out of the wall...more buzzing....MORE BLACK SMOKE....It seemed like forever that I stared at that thing, with the thick smoke coming out faster and faster, thinking...at any moment the circuit is going to pop. Then I realized....CRAP!!!!!! The circuit isn't going to pop....THE HOUSE IS GOING TO CATCH ON FIRE! (In fact, I think it already IS on fire) I snapped into action and went flying through the house and tumbling down to the basement and turned off the entire house electric. Then I came barrelling back up where Taylor is now in the hallway asking: "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

Me (running back outside): I think the house is on fire!!!! Where's the fire extinguisher?
Taylor: I'm going to call the fire department
Me: NO NO NO I don't want them spraying water inside my wall....WHERE'S THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER?
Taylor: It's over there. I'm gonna call them. the house is on fire.
Me: I don't see it...It's not here....IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!!
Taylor (handing me the extinguisher): HERE! I'm calling the fire deparment!
Me (picking up the phone): no no no. I'll call john!
Taylor: What's John going to do?
Me: Oh...the electricity is off, can't call 911.
Taylor: Duh...we have CELL PHONES
Me: They won't be able to find us. DO NOT CALL 911!!!! The house isn't on fire
Taylor: It smells like it's on fire. What are you going to do?

I run outside and spray the wall with the fire extinguisher, accomplishing only a big poof of yellow powder mixing with the black smoke. Throw the extinguisher in the bushes. Run around in a circle 3 times and yell: DO NOT CALL 911!!! Then I ran away down the street (not making ANY of this up).

Two doors down, I'm at John's front door. BANG BANG BANG RING RING RING.... Kailem, the 6 year old with more energy than a lab puppy, came running. This must have sounded like the most potential excitement he's had at least all day (although, this is Kailem, I can not even begin to compete with him on the excitement plane). He opens the door and I go running in: Where's your dad? Put on your shoes. JOHN JOHN JOHN....COME NOW, MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE AND.....AND..... and kailem PUT ON YOUR SHOES.

All three of us go running back. Kailem in his socks (sorry, Sue) and John attempting to get me to tell him what happened.

John: What happened? KAILEM....Where are your shoes?
Me: Well, I was working on my xmas lights and...buzzzzz....bang....ummm.....smoke.....electric turned off...smoldering in walls
John: Oh, yeah. Did you see my facebook post about your lights?
Me: No, but if my computer doesn't burn up, I'll check it...later

We get to the house. Taylor is leaning out the door. "The wall inside is really hot. I think there's a fire inside the wall." John, bless his heart, dissected the outlet box while Kailem asked repeatedly: "Is the house on fire? Is the house on fire? I'M HUNGRY. Can I have a cookie? Can I have TWO?" John pulled the outlet apart, determined to his, but not yet Taylor's, satisfaction that the house wasn't on fire.

Me: You didn't call the fire department did you?
Taylor: No, but I should.
Me: Can we give some of those chocolate chip cookies to John and Kailem?
Taylor: They aren't baked. The oven went off when you turned off the electricity.
Kailem: Can I have two cookies?
Adults: WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES?

John: The outlet is melted but the fire stayed inside the box. Whoever installed this outlet should be smacked.
Me: uhhh...I installed it.
John: Oh, right. Well, it's not SOOO bad. ... What's all this yellow crap? (snort cough)
Me: Fire extinguisher stuff

John removed the outlet box and we marvelled at its melty burniness. Taylor was, at this point, concentrating on how horrible it smelled and opening all the house doors and windows. Just then, a guy pulled up in front of my house.

(I am STILL NOT MAKING THIS UP)
Me: OH. That must be the inspector from my new homeowners insurance company. He's coming to inspect my house for approval.
Bruce: Hi, I'm Bruce from Travellers Insurance and I just need to see your electrical box.

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Just give that a second to sink in.
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Me: Uhhhh....I hope you don't mind if we use a flashlight. We have the electricity off at the moment, we were just....uh....testing our emergency systems. The test was a success, as you can see.
Bruce: Uh huh....Don't worry. I've driven up to a house for inspection that had a forest fire burning about 100 feet away from it, and a house with 4 feet of flood water. This is nothing.

I wanted to ask him: "Right, but did those people get their insurance cancelled?" I didn't.

Bruce came and went and hopefully my insurance won't be cancelled. I pointed out all the safety features we have: GFCI outlets, handy fire extinguishers, an accessbile electric box with quick shutoff switch, rabbits. Now, I am just hoping they don't realize the new tankless water heater was installed without a permit.

And, back to the front of the house. We have the wires all pulled out and the electricity is off, all the lights are out which effectively puts the bunnies to bed real early, the house is getting cold, the cookies are raw, and I'm afraid to turn the electricity back on. So, in a mix of high tech (cell phone...is that still considered high tech) and low tech (phone book), I found an electrician who could come over right away. And now....maybe that outlet will last more than one year like all the rest I installed, and hopefully there really is no fire inside the wall.

All this excitement caused me to forget (until now) that this morning I stepped in a nice big steaming fresh pile of dog doo and got it all over my sandal AND on my pant leg cuff. eeeeew. Have to do something more serious that _almost_ burn the house down to get that out of my mind.

Ah yes, and after all this, I still got more lights up. Now, Xmas Safety can start.

Drama at Easter Acres: Fuzz vs Beaker

Fuzz the Bunny and Beaker the (probably) hen have had it in for each other for a while now. They stare each other down through the fence and Beaker tries to peck Fuzz's ears.

Fuzz: I dare you to come in here and hop it out...

Beaker: Oh YEAH....Maybe I WILL!

Beaker decides to come in the pen and settle things like Easter animals....

(Note...this has got to be the funniest video I've ever managed to get. Of course, I'm completely biased. But if you steal it and make a lot of money, you have to give ALL the money to rabbit rescue groups. ALL OF IT!!! )

Trek in the Park is OUT OF THIS WORLD!

Went to see "Trek in the Park" on Saturday with Taylor and our total trek-nerd (trekie? trekker? whatever...) friend Melissa. This is a presentation of a group of young local actors who are acting out an episode of the classic, original Star Trek series. It's not a spoof, it's not a dramatically improved reinterpretation, it's pretty much a copy, minus most of the set...same dialogue and actions, same tone and inflection, even sound effects and music. And it is AWE---SOME! The crowd was overflowing. My completely unsupported, unscientific guestimate is at least 1000 people. I'm going again next Sunday, and this time we'll beam down early to get better seats.

According to the star, Captain Kirk, I mean Adam Rosko, with whom I had a just-post-noon beer a few Saturdays ago which proves I'm cool, he says this is the first ever "straight up" theater rendition of Star Trek. Of course, there have been spoofs, but this one is not a spoof (except in as much as Star Trek spoofs itself). They are putting it on two more nights, next Sat and Sunday in Portland's Woodlawn Park. Beam down....consider that an ORDER.

I didn't hear any announcements banning cameras or recording devices, so here are a few snaps I took:
The crew on the bridge. Left to right: Cmd Chekov (yellow shirt, complete with Rah-shin accent), Lt Uhura (red dress, scientific sounding lines), Spock (blue shirt, pointy ears, tragic hairstyle) , Capt James Tiberius Kirk (yellow shirt, overly serious expression), Sulu (yellow shirt, typing on special high tech invisible console) and (uh oh, can't remember the name) (blue dress, giant crush on spock)


High drama on the bridge.

Fight to the DEATH (or....is it?)

Things you'd ought not to say

Based on my own personally collected data, here are a few things that are probably best let unsaid:

In a room full of men: "Ok, who has the smallest feet?"

To the neighbor who has informed you that you should not spray the weeds: "So, you want me to have something I don't want, namely, weeds. And you're not going to offer any concession in return?"

To the neighbor who is talking more than you feel like listening: "Are you stoned? Oh, I guess it's just the Philadelphia in you."

To the neighbor you just now met: him: "Do you play frisbee?" me: "no, unless frisbee is code for something, in which case I love frisbee and play it all the time." Him: " ummmmmmm....frisbee, the flying disk thing."

To the person you're meeting for the first time after having talk to them on the phone many times: "Oh! I thought you'd be thinner."

There are more, I'm sure of that. I'll be back.

Death awaits you...with nasty big POINTY TEETH

That rabbit is DYNAMITE.

Bunbert BIT me, bit the holy hand granade out of my left hand yesterday. Chomp chomp chomp. Rabbit bites leave little parallel lines of bleeding misery. And, get this, a day later it really hurts and I think it might be getting infected. I know what happened. She didn't intend to hurt me (she wants me to believe this). We were having quality cuddle time when Bart sneaked up behind her and goosed her. She HATES to be surprised like this and took it out on the nearest piece of juicy, soft flesh which was the side of my left hand.

I probably shouldn't post that picture. But...Bunbert probably shouldn't bite the hand that feeds her. Taylor says she bit me because I gave her a stupid name. I could rename her "Killer Bunbert Rabbit Of Caerbannog."

What working at home will do

I admit that the quality of my articles is on the decline. However, that does not stop me. Here are some portraits of my foster bunny, Fuzz, dressed up in bunny clothing. I've become...a person who dresses their pets. Send the meteorologists down to hell and check if it's frozen.

Fuzz sez: Check me out in my spanky new "Walkin vest with finder bell." Fuzz also sez: "I'll be available for adoption in a few months after I'm fixed. I'm currently broken. I can only live in a superb home of utmost quality and tasteful dress."

Fargo

Newsflash: Fargo and Bunbert got on so swimmingly that Fargo moved in on Sunday. Five minutes later they were tearing each other's fur out and they've been separated ever since. They'll get over it.


Fargo & Bunbert, before honeymoon ended

And now...the energy audits

My new hobby shall be the scientific quantification of "Greener Than Thou". I will be performing energy audits for any friend of mine who dares. My only payment, enjoyment of your feelings of ecological guilt. I shall be the stern priestess of green, the nun of sustainability, the reverend of r-value. Everybody will fear (and despise) me. Mostly, they will just avoid me because they will eventually notice I've been wearing the same exact outfit for 6 months.

Pearl is first! See you this weekend Pearl.

I guess this means I need to report on my own efforts. Ok, look forward to:
1. Insulation updates -- increasing my daily intake of fiberglass
2. Tankless water heater -- how I reduced spider habitat in my basement AND saved electricity
3. Caulking and expando-foam -- the fun never ends AND never comes off your hands
4. Calculating how much money to stuff into your mattress. While not a specific energy conservation topic, less energy use makes for mattress-bound bucks.

Bunbert gets a bill of health

That's probably clean.

Bunbert got fixed. Bunbert 1.0 had cancer, apparently. I never thought I would get so attached to a silly thing which people mistake for a rodent but which is really a lagomorph (whatever that is, a rabbit) and NOT a rat. Anyway, the vet had me convinced she was going to DIE SOON (and preferably expensively). I had to wait almost two weeks for this follow up to get x-rays of her lungs, where cancer typically moves from the uterus. The lungs looked clean, except for a spot that probably is nothing and he'll have a radiologist look at. Since when are there veterinary radiologists? I guess since now. But he thinks she's clean and my office can resume normal operations. Yay.

Bunbert 2.0. Cancer free (probably) and hoppy as ever.

Uhhhh, what was the question?

Actual true story.

A few days ago, it was nice and sunny and I was walking up the sidewalk wearing my fleece "viking" hat, with little white "horns". Coming toward me was a woman in her 70's or so, walking with her cane. As I passed her, she said something about the Easter Bunny. Some of the neighbors called Bunbert that. So I said: "Oh yes, I captured the Easter Bunny and I'm keeping it in my basement".

She looked a little confused and a few steps later I realized she had said: "Are YOU the Easter Bunny?"

Bunny on the Prowl

I give up. I used to have an interesting life in the big city. Now I just hang around in the basement with a rabbit. So, here are some more stories and pictures of Bunbert.

VITAL STATS --I finally tracked down Bunbert's original person, one Clint, and he told me the following: She's approximately five years old, no exactly five years old, within 6 months or so, or maybe 4. He found her among 9 baby bunnies exactly, no approximately, 5 years ago in a tire behind a tire shop. He brought them home, fed them with a dropper, three survived. Long story short, after approximately exactly 5 years, Bunbert is the only one left. Her "maiden" name is Sabrina, and her maintenance level is v1.0, unfixed.

BUNNY SPEED DATING -- Bunbert (nee Sabrina) needs a mate, according to the veterinary assistant who thinks bunnies need mates (obviously). Lucky for Bunbert, the local chapter, the ONLY chapter, of the Rabbit Advocates hosted "Bunny Speed Dating" on Sunday, Feb 15th. This speed dating turned out like looking for a new husband at a nursing home. There must have been ten girls to every available (and nervous) boy. The consensus appears to be that most bunnies are straight, which we won't hold against them because it's not a choice. We set up Bunbert with one Harold, a super sweet cow print boy who would match her so nicely. Sadly, the date concluded, as so many first dates, with biting. Harold will have to go on more dates, but we got to keep a souvenir clump of Harold Hair. Very sad, but I didn't get any pictures. We were pretty busy. Bunnies on dates need serious chaperoning. There was one hermaphrodite rabbit that I would just LOVE to adopt, merely so I could name it Pat. But Pat was way too popular for Bunbert to get a date.

SCHEDULED MAINTENANCE -- Bunbert will go under the knife next Thursday to get fixed. By Friday, we hope to have a new, updated Bunbert 2.0 in production.

DIFFICULT CONCEPT -- Taylor keeps talking about buying a nice chicken complex for Bunbert and then getting chickens when Bunbert is "done" with it. I have to remind Taylor every time: We are going to have chickens and rabbits at the SAME TIME. She isn't getting it, but she will. Give it time.

THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO -- I just ordered a bunny harness and leash for walking your bunny in the neighborhood. Bunbert can visit all her old haunts, but with the added pleasure of being completely under somebody else's control. Who wouldn't LOVE that?

PICTURES -- Finally, the fun stuff.

I see you with that camera. Are there any raisins in that thing?

If you want to have a picture where the bunny looks like she's giving you a kiss, you COULD try putting a raisin in your ear. You run the real risk of the bunny biting your ear. But, it's totally worth it.
a-tennnnn---SHON!



At ease...

Bunbert Update

I swear I have more significant posts to make, but after a couple of after work beers, that ain't happening. Here's all the stuff I can post without having to be completely coherent:

1. I decided that the bunny is my office assistant who does nothing useful and distracts me from being useful myself. I therefore named her Bunbert. Taylor doesn't like the name Bunbert. Bunbert...couldn't give a rip.

2. Bunbert has a foot fetish and spends hours every day (in between peeing on the carpet right NEXT to her box) under my desk getting freaky with my feet. It's cute in a mildly disturbing way.

3. I have been wasting lots of time (i mean using/passing/spending) lots of time with Facebook. If you actually know who I am (as opposed to the THOUSANDS of people who just read my rambling because it's the best thing you have to do), you can "friend" me and...and nothing much extra will happen but you will have more friends and therefore appear more successful in life to high school people who find you in facebook.

4. I was gonna write a lot of stuff and it was like so TOTALLY hilarious. It all escapes me at the moment.

5. Watching the news about Sam Adams and his "inappropriate relationship" and ensuing lies. I don't know if I think he should resign or not. I'm just disappointed in him. SAM SAM SAM....why couldn't you be smarter. You're a man. Can we forgive that? I guess we'll see. If you resign, who will be mayor?