At Xmas, safety comes second

And it can start right after I finish with these lights, which are what comes FIRST. I put up lights along the roofline yesterday. They're the new, pretty, energy efficient LED kind. I put these up yesterday, Monday before Thanksgiving. It's my earliest yet. It was a dry day, and I thought I'd put a little pressure on the other neighbors to glam it up a little. It worked. Within a few hours, John, two doors down, had posted something snippy about it on facebook. Evil plan working....

Today, Tuesday was a pretty, sunny day, a rarity at this time of year. So I took off early in the afternoon to put up some more lights and up the ante just a bit more on John and HIS ilk. Since I redid the siding the south side, I'm no longer afraid of the ladder, so I can just run up and down it all day long, lights here....lights there...scrape a little paint on that board, take down the old awning, wash this window up here. Washing the window has been on the to-do list for about, oh, 7 years. So, I set up the hose and take aim for WINDOW DIRT. After a minute or so, the funny buzzing noise started...getting louder...LOUDER....ZAP. Funny noise stops, and I realized the GFCI outlet that I have the lights plugged into just popped. It happens, especially with THAT outlet. I've already replaced it myself several times (That was foreshadowing....noted here for those you of who have a hard time with real literature such as this). I yanked out the power cord quickly, in the hope that if it were live, being quick would save me from electrocution. I made a mental note that I'll have to replace that outlet again, and went back to work washing the window.

A few minutes later, the noise started again. buzzzzzz buZZZZZZZZZZZ BUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ WAMMMM! black smoke...coming out of the wall...more buzzing....MORE BLACK SMOKE....It seemed like forever that I stared at that thing, with the thick smoke coming out faster and faster, thinking...at any moment the circuit is going to pop. Then I realized....CRAP!!!!!! The circuit isn't going to pop....THE HOUSE IS GOING TO CATCH ON FIRE! (In fact, I think it already IS on fire) I snapped into action and went flying through the house and tumbling down to the basement and turned off the entire house electric. Then I came barrelling back up where Taylor is now in the hallway asking: "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

Me (running back outside): I think the house is on fire!!!! Where's the fire extinguisher?
Taylor: I'm going to call the fire department
Me: NO NO NO I don't want them spraying water inside my wall....WHERE'S THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER?
Taylor: It's over there. I'm gonna call them. the house is on fire.
Me: I don't see it...It's not here....IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!!
Taylor (handing me the extinguisher): HERE! I'm calling the fire deparment!
Me (picking up the phone): no no no. I'll call john!
Taylor: What's John going to do?
Me: Oh...the electricity is off, can't call 911.
Taylor: Duh...we have CELL PHONES
Me: They won't be able to find us. DO NOT CALL 911!!!! The house isn't on fire
Taylor: It smells like it's on fire. What are you going to do?

I run outside and spray the wall with the fire extinguisher, accomplishing only a big poof of yellow powder mixing with the black smoke. Throw the extinguisher in the bushes. Run around in a circle 3 times and yell: DO NOT CALL 911!!! Then I ran away down the street (not making ANY of this up).

Two doors down, I'm at John's front door. BANG BANG BANG RING RING RING.... Kailem, the 6 year old with more energy than a lab puppy, came running. This must have sounded like the most potential excitement he's had at least all day (although, this is Kailem, I can not even begin to compete with him on the excitement plane). He opens the door and I go running in: Where's your dad? Put on your shoes. JOHN JOHN JOHN....COME NOW, MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE AND.....AND..... and kailem PUT ON YOUR SHOES.

All three of us go running back. Kailem in his socks (sorry, Sue) and John attempting to get me to tell him what happened.

John: What happened? KAILEM....Where are your shoes?
Me: Well, I was working on my xmas lights and...buzzzzz....bang....ummm.....smoke.....electric turned off...smoldering in walls
John: Oh, yeah. Did you see my facebook post about your lights?
Me: No, but if my computer doesn't burn up, I'll check it...later

We get to the house. Taylor is leaning out the door. "The wall inside is really hot. I think there's a fire inside the wall." John, bless his heart, dissected the outlet box while Kailem asked repeatedly: "Is the house on fire? Is the house on fire? I'M HUNGRY. Can I have a cookie? Can I have TWO?" John pulled the outlet apart, determined to his, but not yet Taylor's, satisfaction that the house wasn't on fire.

Me: You didn't call the fire department did you?
Taylor: No, but I should.
Me: Can we give some of those chocolate chip cookies to John and Kailem?
Taylor: They aren't baked. The oven went off when you turned off the electricity.
Kailem: Can I have two cookies?
Adults: WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES?

John: The outlet is melted but the fire stayed inside the box. Whoever installed this outlet should be smacked.
Me: uhhh...I installed it.
John: Oh, right. Well, it's not SOOO bad. ... What's all this yellow crap? (snort cough)
Me: Fire extinguisher stuff

John removed the outlet box and we marvelled at its melty burniness. Taylor was, at this point, concentrating on how horrible it smelled and opening all the house doors and windows. Just then, a guy pulled up in front of my house.

(I am STILL NOT MAKING THIS UP)
Me: OH. That must be the inspector from my new homeowners insurance company. He's coming to inspect my house for approval.
Bruce: Hi, I'm Bruce from Travellers Insurance and I just need to see your electrical box.

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Just give that a second to sink in.
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Me: Uhhhh....I hope you don't mind if we use a flashlight. We have the electricity off at the moment, we were just....uh....testing our emergency systems. The test was a success, as you can see.
Bruce: Uh huh....Don't worry. I've driven up to a house for inspection that had a forest fire burning about 100 feet away from it, and a house with 4 feet of flood water. This is nothing.

I wanted to ask him: "Right, but did those people get their insurance cancelled?" I didn't.

Bruce came and went and hopefully my insurance won't be cancelled. I pointed out all the safety features we have: GFCI outlets, handy fire extinguishers, an accessbile electric box with quick shutoff switch, rabbits. Now, I am just hoping they don't realize the new tankless water heater was installed without a permit.

And, back to the front of the house. We have the wires all pulled out and the electricity is off, all the lights are out which effectively puts the bunnies to bed real early, the house is getting cold, the cookies are raw, and I'm afraid to turn the electricity back on. So, in a mix of high tech (cell phone...is that still considered high tech) and low tech (phone book), I found an electrician who could come over right away. And now....maybe that outlet will last more than one year like all the rest I installed, and hopefully there really is no fire inside the wall.

All this excitement caused me to forget (until now) that this morning I stepped in a nice big steaming fresh pile of dog doo and got it all over my sandal AND on my pant leg cuff. eeeeew. Have to do something more serious that _almost_ burn the house down to get that out of my mind.

Ah yes, and after all this, I still got more lights up. Now, Xmas Safety can start.