I am the skipper, being defined as: the goober trying to sail the dinghy.
Here are some lessons that I, as an experienced dinghy skipper, would like to impart on the next dinghy generation.
1. A dinghy sailboat can sail very well with a competent skipper at the helm (this is COMPLETELY theoretical to me, having never personally tested this concept).
2. In high wind, a dinghy sailboat can get far from the docks and from any other boats, especially when said dinghy is the only boat on the water and it's almost dark.
3. In high wind, a dinghy can capsize, although high winds are not always necessary.
4. If your dinghy capsizes, it can turn completely upside down with the mast pointing past the bottom of the river and toward the center of the earth, and the centerboard harkening skyward. This is called turtling or, by some yoga enthusiasts, initiating the poseidon pose.
5. If your dinghy initiates the poseidon pose in shallow water, the mast will touch the bottom and do its best to get stuck in the mud.
6. If your mast is stuck in the mud, your dinghy will be difficult to right.
7. If your dinghy is being difficult to right and there is nobody around except a few gun totin, tobaccy chewin, motor boatin fools, nobody will come help.
8. If you need help and nobody comes to help, you will say naughty words while you keep trying because there is no other option except abandonning ship, which you will NOT do because you just BOUGHT this dinghy and also, mainly, because that would be too embarrassing.
9. If it is windy and you finally get your turtled boat righted, the wind can blow it RIGHT back over even in the face of your cries: NO NO NOOOOOOO
10. When you finally do get your dinghy righted, it WILL (not may) take significant upper body strength to pull yourself back into the boat.
11. If your upper body strength is insignificant, you will get dragged along behind your boat which is now going at a good clip in the wind.
12. This is just embarrassing, and you KNOW the motor boaters are laughing at you. Also, the Portland Spirit dinner cruise will come by at this point and all the dinner cruisers will stare and wonder if you are dragging behind your boat because you are a boob, or if it is a new sport they haven't yet heard of.
13. If you are dragging along behind your boat in high wind, you will pick up pretty good speed.
14. Going at a pretty good speed, if you turn your head, you will see that your butt is creating a wake of its own. You may find this a welcome amusement during your man/woman/skipper/goober overboard drill, which you decide is how you will spin this if you ever get back to terra firma.
15. If, despite repeated tries, your upper body strength remains insignificant to the challenge of pulling yourself back into the boat, you may discover that the wind is blowing toward the shore and you can direct the boat, using your behind as a rudder, to shore where the boat will ground itself on the rocks and you can walk back in.
16. Once you walk back into your boat with great relief and start to sail it back toward the club, it will sail like complete ca ca. It will be impossible to control and rudder will feel broken.
17. If, in high wind, your boat is handling like goldfish poop, you may get 50 feet from shore and capsize AGAIN.
18. If you are going overboard, yet AGAIN, rather than yelling obscenties, you should keep your mouth shut and hold your breath. This IS the Willamette and that water in the sinuses can NOT be beneficial.
19. If, after clearing your sinuses of river water, you swim around to the bottom to right the boat by pulling on the centerboard, you may notice to your horror, that the centerboard is completely folded up inside the boat and ungrabbable. OOPS...and you may think: So that explains why it was handling like poop, but NOW WHAT?
20. If you need to grab the centerboard but the centerboard is ungrabbable, you really have no choice but to make it grabbable by pulling it back out which isn't amusing or anything and DOES mangle your fingers but you will feel triumphant until
21. You have to repeat the butt-rudder trick back to shore.
22. If you have gotten back to shore and walked back into your boat, you will now be sure to put the centerboard back down this time and sail with great trepidation back to the docks. The rudder may still feel broken but at least you are upright.
23. If you have made it back to the dock and it is still windy, you should probably stand at least ten feet away from your boat. Because if you stand too close, the wind might suddenly change causing the boom to swing around and wail the holy guacamole out of your collarbone.
24. When you finally start recounting your tales of adventure on the high seas, you will INSIST to the other sailors that you BROKE the rudder. But the other know-it-all sailors MIGHT point out that you got some lines tangled in the rudder and it's otherwise fine.
25. If you have learned many such things in one evening, there are still a few more things that will happen:
- You will go out for beers with the innocent bystanders and regale them with your tale
- You will be completely covered with bruises, literally head to foot, and look like you've been beaten up by a gang of thugs.
- You will show off the bruises and make comments such as: "I like it rough."
- For several days, you will FEEL like you've been beaten up by thugs and that you'd prefer it much less rough.
- You will forget ALL of these lessons soon and do something similarly stupid the next weekend.
- The next time you sail, mud will rain down upon with the wrath of God, and you will wonder: "Why is God angrily raining mud down upon a humble dinghy skipper?" Then you may remember your last foray in the wind and smile.
And, of course, this is all just an instructional document. None of these things every REALLY happened, and there are no witnesses (except the people on the dinner cruise, but good luck finding THEM!).
The only REAL thing that could happen:
You will soon discover an even more bruise-producing boat and just HAVE to have one!
http://www.bladerider.com.au/index.html
