Public Display of Playboy

On Christmas Eve, Taylor and I went out to run some last minute errands and enjoy the relative emptiness of downtown. We got on the metro with the other last minute shoppers and poor sods who didn't get the day off. At the same time, another guy got on and sat down in a front row seat. He proceded to dig around in his backpack and pull out, in plain view for everybody to see, a Playboy magazine. He opened it up, holding it with a tilt that made it completely visible to me, and started reading.

Is it illegal for somebody to read material with adult themes in public view? Well....what if it's in braille and can't be read by prying eyes?

I figured: I guess it's true, men do get Playboy for the articles. Taylor said: Don't assume there's no centerfold in there. I bet they can do that in braille.

Then we got off.

The train, that is.

Divinely Delicious

My work buddies Vanessa and Arul and I went to tea at the appointed hour of 2:30. At tea time, the conversation meandered, as it will, to the topic of the portrait sandwich. Remembering the recent eBay sale of a grilled cheese sandwich emblazoned with the likeness of the Virgin Mary, we wondered if the cook would make one for us. The natural question arose: If you could choose any diety to grill onto your lunch, which would it be?

Nominations?

Special Delivery and The Ultimate in Upscaling

Now that we live in a city with an inifinite number of cars and a finite number of parking spaces, we can't go out to the store just any time. I have no other option but......to have everything delivered. In my old, frugal days, I would never have paid for that which I could do myself. But, if there's nowhere to park, then I can't do it myself, can I? Therefore, I simple MUST: order my groceries from www.peapod.com, order my clothes from www.landsend.com, order my books from www.amazon.com and order my movies from www.netflix.com. In fact, just about everything can be mail ordered. It's the new American Way.

So, yesterday I signed up for Netflix. It's only $18 a month. Sure....we COULD watch free television or walk down the street to the video shop or exercise or do volunteer work or do the macarena. But for a few extra pennies, we can have mindless, commercial-less entertainment delivered right to our door. For our first selection, I chose "Plan 9 from Outer Space". Here is the description. Be sure to watch the trailer. Note the distinction of being not one, but two-time winner of the Turkey Award for worst film. It's gotta be good. When that award was being decided, the panel obviously didn't watch "The Four Cheerleaders of the Apocalypse". Taylor rented that while I was recovering from surgery. I had to take extra percocet for the pain.

In other news: Up until a few years ago, Lorton Maximum Security Reformatory in Northern Virginia served as a repository for violent criminals and others in need of new direction. Apparently, a few years ago the institution finished reforming all inmates and closed up shop. In a cruel move, somebody had the building and grounds declared "Historical". Who thinks this stuff up? Now, Fairfax County has to figure out what to do with the cell block. Answer: Upscale condos in a community setting. I am not making this up. The cells will be studio lofts and the recreation yard: a pedestrian mall. And, of course, there's already a gym on the property. I can see the ad copy now:
Luxury Condominium Community: Solid construction, secured building, onsite gymnasium, completely open floor plans, loads of character, each unit sleeps four to eight.

They can have Martha Stewart do the interior design and decorating touches. Her next theme: Decorating for small spaces.

I think we'll try to go down there and take the tour. I'll see if I can't get some pictures and figure out how to post them. It's free advertising for the developers. However, I think I'll hold out for an island loft with a lovely sea breeze and a view of the Golden Gate when Alacatraz goes condo.

New Name

I got tired of the old name of my blog. "Tales of the Unexpected" sounded pretentious. Plus, many of the things that occur in my life are not entirely unexpected. For instance, I KNEW I was going to see Oompa Loompas at the chocolate factory. But the tunnel of chocolate love ride was unexpected. So, it's some of each.

And while we're here, I'd like to say that I don't much like the sound of the word "blog". I think it's because it starts with the sound "blah" and ends with the sound "awhg". There's nothing likable about it. blog blog blog blaug blawg blaw blah

So, it's not a blawg, this is my online journal. It is pretty much the same as letters I used to write to friends. Now they are to everybody. And...it is based on a true story.

The Pilgrimage

Preface from the Author: Thank you to those who emailed and left comments regarding a verb tense issue raised in my last post. To summarize: the verb should match the subject. Now, all join in a chorus of: DUH! One helpful reader noted the superfluous use of the term "very". I have considered this issue, and shall try really hard to avoid its use.

Of all the really significant places on the East Coast, Taylor wanted to visit the Hershey Chocolate factory first. So, yesterday we undertook a pilgrimage to Hershey, Pennsylvania to worship at the Chocolate Altar. The weather cooperated with really sunny skies despite predictions of snow. We paid for it, though, by way of a really cold wind.

The Hershey attractions consist of several really, REALLY gigantic parking lots, a cheesy amusement park, and a tourist trap called Chocolate World. Taylor was really disappointed to learn that the public is no longer allowed to tour the chocolate factory. The public gets to go to Chocolate World, which is essentially a really huge candy store plus a consolation ride through a reenactment of the chocolate making process. For those of you who are familiar with DisneyLand, imagine what would happen if "Mr Toad's Wild Ride" and "It's a Small World" got together and had "Mr Hershey's Chocolate World".

After learning all there is to know about the Great American Chocolate bar, we wandered over to the amusement park. I was really content to stroll around listening to the Christmas tunes piping over the PA system and trying not to freeze to death. But Taylor wanted to go on a ride. Shortly, we found ourselves on a choo choo train. It took us on a really short trip around the park at about 2 mph, except when it stopped for ten minutes to fix brake problems. During this time, I finished freezing to death whilst wondering why a train that tops out at 3 mph needs brakes at all.

On our way out of town, we drove down main street in Hershey to admire the really famous Hershey Kiss street lamps and sniff the renowned chocolate air. For our final hurrah, we took a loop around the actual factory, savoring the Hershey aroma. And outside a warehouse door, I saw a couple of Oompa Loompas taking a smoke break.

Really.

Fun for the Whole Family

The very most special part of Christmas are (is?) the TV specials. We're watching Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer right now. You know, the one with the Burl Ives snowman.

While watching, we're engaging in that venerable family tradition: "The Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer drinking game." You have to drink every time Rudolph's nose whistles. Bottom's up!

This family value laden holiday special contains some social commentary that I missed as a kid, what with the cruelly-teased, nasally-gifted star; the gay dentist elf oppressed by the elf role of toy making; the misunderstood monster whose real disability is a toothache; and a herd of underloved, island-dwelling toys pining to be played with. And just like in real life, everybody comes to love and appreciate each other for a wonderful happy ending....


PS: I spent quite a bit of time trying to decide if the verb in that first sentence should be singular or plural. Guidance would be appreciated. Thank you for your support.